[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
You Might Also Like
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.