[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
hmmm
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one