SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My favorite farside!!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.