“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings