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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
That’s incredible! 👌
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”