My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
#dalle2
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Rambo Rambow