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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
when u come home smelling like another dog
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.