Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
i wish all
whales
a very
big
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die