@AbbeYaar: Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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@TheSeanBrewster: I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"
@ReeseButCallMeV: Drugs made me responsible. If it weren't for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
@Bob_Heller: Jesus loves me. This I know. For my neighbor told me so. Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down. I'm flattered...but straight.
@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA