Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Butt weight. There’s more!