[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.