@Brentweets: Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry's singing
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@jdforshort: If sexual frustration could be transferred into a usable energy source, I would be sitting on a gold mine
@Manda_like_wine: Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.