[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
OKAY DAD
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Cashiers are always checking me out
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke