shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
You Might Also Like
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.