SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.