Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…