‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am