Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I feel this so hard
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.