Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
can I use a minion as a tampon
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
crying
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.