one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
United Steaks of America
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.