I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out