If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Why am I like this?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.