Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
This kid is going places
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.