Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m literally crying
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.