*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17