*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie