*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store