Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.