I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Thursday
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score