Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.