Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news