Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I can’t deal with men any longer
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
SPLOOT
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*