SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
In banana years, I am bread.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked