@Grind_n_Roll: Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
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@thejamietighe: Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
@SortaSarcastic: Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ...