Squirrels before girls.
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!