Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“No way.” -Jose
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.