@Iwriteforcats: Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
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@mynameisntdave: What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
@LizHackett: "Why don't you have kids yet?" is a great question, ma'am, but I'm saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
@Reverend_Scott: [holds up egg] This is your brain [cracks egg into frying pan] This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs [adds pepper] Needed pepper [eats egg] Mmm brains