Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”