Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Rt to bother an English speaker
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.