*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates