*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF