[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
2022: I can fix it
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕