[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Not today.. 😂
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?