[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.