[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Teach your children to beatbox
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My neck, my back, my…
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition