[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
New favorite tiktok
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.