[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Baller is short for ballerina
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers