My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]