[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Great Canadian literature.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.