[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
selena gomez
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me buying fruit and veg