shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You Might Also Like
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When someone trying to leave me
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My daily affirmation