Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
President The Rock Obama
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
A new level of troll.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes