@ElizaBayne: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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@shutupmikeginn: [Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn't help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
@MadcapsTPS: They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.
@iQuoteComedy: Girl: "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Guy: "Both, now get in the van."
@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.