Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My typo game is string.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Um … Hot Wings please
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise