@KKAlThani: Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.
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@jonnysun: "oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
@AnitaHelmet: Him: You're married? Me: Well, it's Thursday. So, yeah. Him: What about on Friday? Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
@jctwritesstuff: Me: So anyway, I don't know why people think LSD is so weird. Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right? Me: I like your top hat.
@iwearaonesie: wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous