Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.