Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”