@ComedySpeech: Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
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@Poutymcgee: I just Googled "Living with Glaucoma" before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
@duplicitron: I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
@dreamthievin: A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again