lmao
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.